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Yet Another Black Stereotype…

It’s amazing how the human body knows when you’re holding urine because there’s no toilet, and when you’re holding urine simply to be vain. Ever notice how when you’re on the freeway and you have to go really bad when you finally get a toilet, your body releases the urine just as you’re pulling your pants down. It’s as if you made it, “just in time.” Well apparently my body was well aware of me which meant it was bathroom time. So I’m at the parking lot of this building here in Memphis which shall remain nameless when this happens. You guys should’ve seen my fat ass dash across the parking lot to get to the bathroom.

There was a guy at the sink trying to get a stain out of his shirt. He was on the phone speaking in Chinese to someone. From the tone of his voice the conversation seemed to be business oriented. Hell I don’t know; for all I know they could’ve been talking about hot Asian porn or the Miami Dolphins. None the less we made eye contact so I gave him a quick nod and scurried into my stall. As you settle in to a stall you sit and wonder what food you ate earlier that week that’s brought you to this point; “Was it the Ravioli from Monday? Or is this the Shrimp pasta from last night?”

My pondering of these deep thought were rudely interrupted by the cell phone ring of a man in the stall next to me. Everyone talks about using cell phones in restaurants or libraries being rude, I think this should be extended to bathrooms. This guy answers the phone while he’s taking a dump. What call is THAT important?!! How does he know that I’m not in need of peace and quiet?!! How dare him!!!!

“HEY STEVE!! WHATS UP MAN!!!” He Blabbed. “YEAH!! I’M CHILLIN RIGHT NOW!! OH YOU GOT A 3 HOUR LAYOVER BEFORE CHICAGO? YEAH MAN JAGUARS vs. STEELERS LAST NIGHT WAS HORRIBLE!”

Suddenly “Billy McCell Phone” gets a beep on the other line.

This is when the hilarity ensued.

“HEY UM STEVE! HANG ON BRO I’VE GOT A BEEP…HELLO? Yeah? WHEN? Well did you tell Donald to set the configurations to…. Oh fuck! I’ll call you back in 5 minutes.”

*CLICKS BACK OVER*

“STEVE GOTTA RUN BRO!”

The guy hangs up the phone and proceeds to take the fastest bowel movement in history. I don’t know what happened when he took that second call but it must’ve been something to warrant him speeding through what should’ve been a relaxing bowel movement. He hung up the phone and it was like someone said “ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET! GO!” Like some sort of Speed Shitting Competition on ESPN.

Other than fire fighter I can’t think of a job that would require someone to rush a bowel movement. My cousin in Miami the Fire Fighter was telling me how if you’re on the toilet and the fire alarm goes off, you have to LITERALLY hurry up and shit and get to the truck before it pulls off and leaves you. But chances are you drove your car to the station. You know where the fire is. Why not just finish up, and hop in your car and catch up with the gang in 5-10 minutes??

Speed shitting of course can’t be done in silence. The sounds that began to echo from the stall next to me were some of the most HILARIOUS things I’ve EVER HEARD in my life. I thought of trying to record the audio on my cell phone. But I couldn’t….that would be too sick!!! Every 8-10 seconds you’d hear a loud farting sound echo from this guy’s ass. It was rapid, like a bands snare drummer playing marching cadence. Machine guns, or some sort of shot-gun type sound. My abs were hurting I was laughing so hard. It was so loud that the Chinese dude on his cell phone would pause every time he heard it. He would LITERALLY stop mid-sentence to be sure he heard what the thought he heard.

Toilet Man springs to his feet and storms out of the bathroom. I wrap up and 1 minute later I’m out the door and at the sink washing my hands. I’m laughing to myself and I look at the Chinese dude to see if he heard what I was laughing at so that we could share a laugh among strangers. Out of nowhere he gives me a rude look. He gives me the “That was you making those noises,” look; and he takes a step away from me as if to say I’ve dishonored his family or something by making loud noises with my ass. I’m trying to give him the “That wasn’t me in there making those noises with my ass; that was the other guy in there next to me,” look.

I wish I could’ve said it in Chinese.

Somewhere in America that Chinese dude is telling his friends…

“Blackaman make noise when him take dump. Blackaman know how to beatbox with his booty cheeks. All blacka people can make rap music beats with mouth and booty, just like Doug E. Fresh .”

We as a race already have enough stereotypes pushed upon us. Making rap music beats with our ass doesn’t need to be the next. So if you see an Asian person in the streets walk up to them and tell them….

”BLACK PEOPLE DON’T MAKE MUSIC WITH THEIR BOOTY CHEEKS.”

Do it for your race, do it for society.

Fight the power!

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